I watched the new Rambo: Last Blood movie today

"AestheticsInMotion" (aestheticsinmotion) 09/29/2019 at 21:18 • Filed to: None

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I bet you didn’t even know there was a new Rambo movie.

Anyways... A good friend asked me out to the movies two nights ago , saying we should go see whatever the worst-reviewed movie was. Boom. That’s already a more interesting plot than what I’m about to review for your pleasure below.

The verdict..?

Garbage. And I LIKE stupid shoot-em-up flicks, and cheesy 80's action her o’s.

The plot revolved around a young women (Rambo’s adopted daughter more-or-less) inexplicably deciding to travel to Mexico in search of her real father after getting tipped of to his location , despite knowing that he’s a terrible dude who left her as a child and routinely beat her mother. So... W hy did she want to meet him.. ?

To move the plot forward, duh.

Rambo and generic stepmother tell her it’s a bad idea to cross the border in search of her murderous father, she sneaks off because “teenager” and... Ends up being killed by someone who has absolutely zero affiliation to the dad, who is seen briefly and then completely discarded by the film.

But that’s okay, because when Mr. Rambo finds out about his adopted daughter’s death then all that silly “plot” stuff is finally over and the movie hits you over the head with what really matters!

Torture porn!

Seriously, take Saw (like the 6th or 7th one, not the groundbreaking first movie), add in generic 80's action movie, a sprinkle of social commentary, and remove any traces of that special spice that makes us remember some of the dumbest action flicks fondly and what you’re left with is Rambo: Last Blood.

Rambo kills one of the gang leaders responsible for the girl’s death, and leads the rest of the gang back to his farm where he’s spent days and days setting up traps. W e know this because there was a m usical montage! Rambo kills the Mexican gangsters one after another with bow and arrow, various guns, sharpened stakes, trap pits, and a plethora of knives to the groin (seriously, seems to be his signature move) and upon killing the last dude, dies offscreen to a gunshot wound.

Cue credits.

The cast sucks, the acting is so far from believable it makes horror movies seem like documentaries by comparison , the dialouge is wooden and contrived , the fights are uninspired quick-cut messes , and at 100 minutes it feels oddly short and crammed together, as if the studio decided last minute that no one would care enough to stay for the full two hours it was supposed to run.

John Wick has some surprising parallels here, but in every way that K eanu Reeves’ masterpiece delivers, Rambo falls flat.

This one isn’t even worth a watch when drunk and browsing Netflix two months from now. 1 /10

Manny05x > AestheticsInMotion 09/29/2019 at 21:26

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So you went there for exactly what your friend asked you out for?

Nibby > AestheticsInMotion 09/29/2019 at 21:28

5

AestheticsInMotion > Manny05x 09/29/2019 at 21:30

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Yes, we went together. She fell asleep, I couldn't stop watching the train wreck. There were only two other people in the theater 

Just Jeepin' > AestheticsInMotion 09/29/2019 at 21:33

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I’m impressed you hung around to the end. Anything that bad, I’m out by the end of the first act.

Fate of the Furious , I don’t think I even made it that far.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > AestheticsInMotion 09/29/2019 at 22:01

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This sounds beyond trash.

Carbon Fiber Sasquatch > AestheticsInMotion 09/29/2019 at 22:37

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Is it bad that I knew this movie was going to suck because Stallone didn't shave his head for the role? There's no decent storyline to be written where Rambo is old with perfectly groomed hair.

pip bip - choose Corrour > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 04:43

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so a “quality” film then

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 06:02

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Pretty much matches my expectations that were based on the trailer I saw some months ago...

Ilikeredcars > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 07:59

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I never understood how after First Blood, the Rambo films became dumb shoot-em ups. I typically adore 80s action films, but I really can't buy John Rambo, breaking down and crying in the arms of his commanding officer going off and mowing down hundreds of people because, um, reasons. 

fintail > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 09:17

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Much better when it was filmed in Hope and had Brian Denneh y.

Sir Halffast > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 09:32

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I mean did she at least fall asleep on your shoulder so you got a little cuddle action out of it? Because otherwise that was a waste of 25 bucks.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 12:00

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When I saw the trailer, which is set to Billy Ray Cirus’s version of Old Town Road, I knew the movie was going to be hot garbage.

I do like that they killed him at the end tho. That’s great. It means no more Rambo movies! At least not with Stelone.

Now the next movie you find out that his daughter didn’t actually die and she becomes the the new Rambo. 

arl > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 12:45

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Well, I was kind of hoping it would be more of an 80's throw-back. But it sounds beyond horrible. I will skip this one. Thanks for the fun review. 

Saracen > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 13:10

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I knew there was a new one, but the only one worth watching is First Blood, so I didn’t care.

Chariotoflove > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 13:41

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I knew this was out there. Sounds like a winner! I am kind of in awe of Stallone and his ability to keep his franchises cranking out the $$ like this no matter how old he gets.

AestheticsInMotion > Just Jeepin' 09/30/2019 at 22:34

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I try to make it through to the end. There's only one movie I've ever walked out of, and to be honest I can't even recall what it was... 

AestheticsInMotion > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles 09/30/2019 at 22:34

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No no no. He “died” offscreen.

They kept it offscreen for a reason.

Oh wait... Your idea could work too! 

AestheticsInMotion > Ilikeredcars 09/30/2019 at 22:35

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I haven't actually seen first blood, and assumed they were ALL dumb shoot-em ups

AestheticsInMotion > Chariotoflove 09/30/2019 at 22:36

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In fairness it seems like all the old action stars are having an easy enough time keeping their franchises going, no? Arnold still cameos in all the Terminator reboots... 

AestheticsInMotion > arl 09/30/2019 at 22:37

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Me too. It had very little of that. No cheesiness, no over-the-top action, just super g eneric revenge plot that was trying to be dark and brooding 

AestheticsInMotion > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 09/30/2019 at 22:38

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That is correct

Chariotoflove > AestheticsInMotion 09/30/2019 at 23:31

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To a greater or lesser degree, but I feel like Stallone has managed his brand and his earlier franchises better than anyone. 

Ilikeredcars > AestheticsInMotion 10/01/2019 at 17:27

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Nah, first blood is a drama first, action film second. It's damn good as well.